A Journey Through Chronic Pain

I was contemplating yesterday, which by the way was an awful day, when to give in and see the doc. I am one of these people who goes to see my physician as infrequently as possible. I have found that it is healthier that way. If you stay away, they can’t come up with more hokey shit to do to you that will largely not help anyhow!

But last summer I had to. I had to see my orthopod. I was having incredible pain in my low back and legs with significant neurological symptoms in my legs. In fact, my left leg, which is the only one which bends, was so weak that I found it very difficult to negotiate stairs or even step up on more than a short curb. After a couple of MRI’s I was told that I my back from L1-L5 was largely fucked! Herniated disks, stenosis, bone spurs, the whole enchilada!! Along with that was major nerve impingement. A course of conservative treatment went largely without improvement so the answer was surgery. So I went for a second opinion. And the answer was largely the same. So I decided that i was not going to give in to that. Since I was acutely aware that back surgery is a 50-50 proposition at best. And so I went home with a new resolve to make it better, to make me better! I started lifting weights, again, after a fairly long hiatus. I strengthened my core so as to support my back more efficiently. And gradually, over a period of weeks and months, I did improve. I did find that the symptoms abated, not totally, but significantly. Maybe through sheer force of will. Maybe because I realized that there was something more important in my life than pain and more surgery and more down time. That living had become a priority again to me, not just existing. And I managed to sustain for a long time. Months! And then the past few days the symptoms began to creep back in. Pain I can deal with, but the numbness and radiating in my legs and even my feet is tough. Yesterday was excruciating. It took me until mid-afternoon to feel “functional” even though I kept moving all day. It took that long for me to feel at all comfortable, enough to be able to sit and even lie down for a bit. And today it was some better. But not enough.
SOOOOO, I beg the question: When is enough, enough? When is it time to call the doc and say, “Help!!”? I am not sure I am there yet, but almost. We all have our “governor” for how much pain we can tolerate and which symptoms raise a red flag. I know the drill all too well. I know the drill for different body systems, which is even more disturbing. When do you go to the E.R. with a bowel obstruction? When do you do the same when dealing with addiction and withdrawal? And when do you say “enough” when it comes to whatever the issue is?? It is different for each of us. I guess for me, the threat of more surgery is a huge deterrent. I find that the idea of going through more surgery and rehab and the whole thing so distasteful, that I will avoid it at all cost. But even I have my limits. Even I know, when to say when. And so should you. And tomorrow might be that day. But………………………………………………………………….I know I can get through this. I know that once again I can beat the odds and keep my body whole and avoid the knife once again. I have to. I have much too much to live for!