Main Entry:

¹sto·ic

Pronunciation:

\ˈstō-ik\

Function:

noun

Etymology:

Middle English, from Latin stoicus, from Greek stōïkos, literally, of the portico, from Stoa (Poikilē) the Painted Portico, portico at Athens where Zeno taught

Date:

14th century

1capitalized : a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c. holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law2: one apparently or professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain

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That is a pretty heavy definition. And it is how everyone who knew my father described him. I am sure I learned by his example that I was to suffer in silence. To be strong and not give in to pain or anguish. I lived like that for many years and for sure never shared that part of me. Was never honest about how bad I felt.

And this is by no means the province of the male species. My mother to a greater extent was very much the same way. Was bred of good German stock and schooled in the mindset that you do what you have to do, every day and don’t complain, don’t whimper when you are hurt. I know other women as well who find it hard to say how they feel. And in their defense, and defense of all the men out there who have the same affliction, as a chronic pain sufferer there are times when you don’t want to answer the question; “how do you feel? or how is you (blank)?” It may be the 20th time that day that someone has asked you the same question and you are just tired of hearing your own voice. Tired of feeling like all you do is dwell on how awful you hurt. When in reality, by saying the words, ” I feel like crap” you might actually feel better! Admitting how you feel can go a long way to liberating your spirit. It doesn’t help the fact that you hurt like hell, but it does allow another person “in” . In to your world of pain. Think about all of the people out there who have never had to live with chronic pain. Then think about the fact that if we never shared how we feel, they would never develop any perspective on what it is like to deal with chronic pain.

The bigger question here is not how I relate to the rest of the world. It is how do I relate to those closest to me? How do I let those who love and care for me into my world without turning into someone so utterly miserable and self-absorbed? It all goes back to honesty. And not just with those around you, but with your self. Allowing yourself to feel pain, to embrace it, to wrestle with it, is a skill that is necessary to survival.

I have been traveling this path for nearly 30 years now. I have become somewhat of an expert on denial. An expert on how not to manage chronic narcotics. An expert on how to shut those who love me out of this part of my life. But I have also become somewhat of an expert on coping. And just because you are walking around with a snoot full of narcotics, are you able to cope any better than the guy who is totally sober. The drugs just mute some of the responses.

I have learned that you can do several things with pain. You can hold onto it and let it consume you. Not an option, not for me. You can put it “over there” and try and compartmentalize it, put it in a part of your life where it is easier to deal with. Or you can grasp it head on, allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to channel those feelings into something bigger, something where you can find a positive aspect to chronic pain. And for me it is right here in front of you.

This blog has served as an outlet for me to share my story and my experience in this world of chronic pain. And I hope that in some small way it has touched the lives of others.

We all choose whether or not to get out of bed in the morning. It is the next step that takes us to a world where we can function and feel and share all that we are with those we love and who love us in return. I do every day what I do not so much for me, but for the ones I love and cherish.

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I want to make it clear that I was not advocating that men in any way, shape or form should feel compelled to take the old hard line, stoic attitude when it comes to sharing pain. From one of the comments last night, it appears that there is still somewhat of a stereotype with regard to this. And I am also not advocating that men or women shirk their responsibilities as parents, partners, or breadwinners. But society is not dominated by the tenant that men must be the support for the family. It has to be a team effort, whether he brings home the bacon or his partner.

When we made the choice many years ago for me to be a full-time, stay-at-home parent, it was based on several factors. First and foremost was probably the fact that my body would not hold-up to the rigors of day to day clinical practice. The other thing that was huge was dealing with the fact that our son was in daycare 12 hours a day. And the cost both in time and money was significant, but more than that, someone else was raising him. And I did everything I could to shorten his time there. Even if I was orienting an employee on the night shift, I would keep him at home with me when I was off work rather than taking him to daycare so I could sleep.
The other factor that came into play was that although at the time I quit working, my salary was greater than my wife’s, that was about to change in a huge way.  Her career was blossoming and growing and in short order her earning capacity surpassed mine exponentially.

It’s funny, when we made the choice for me to stay home, reactions from friends and family were mixed. This was about 1985. People didn’t quite know what to think.At parties and social functions the one question that always is asked is; “What do you do for a living”? Well when I told people, most women thought it was amazing. But men had a different reaction. Some were fine with it, even encouraging, but other were like WTF??  They would say things like, “oh that’s nice” or “wow, I could never do that”.

But in short order I realized that what I was doing was profound I was providing not only a way for my wife to advance her career and have to worry about the domestic stuff, but I was providing a stable environment for the boys to function in. No daycare, no after school programs.  I was there after school, summers, was able to transport them to after school activities, sports, whatever.  And not just transport them and drop them off, but to actually observe what they were involved in. Seeing the practice sessions, volunteering when I could, all things that parents have done for generations, until the advent of the dual income. Then kids were put on autopilot. They were shuttled from point A to B and retrieved when their activity was done. They went to aftercare programs, summers were spent in daycare.

I guess I was fortunate that we could allow me to serve in this role. And yes, at time I felt pangs of guilt for not contributing financially, but in many ways I now know that what I did can not be measured in dollars and cents.  And I certainly would not give up those years of child rearing for anything in the world!!