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I wrote a rather lengthy passage on this topic the other night but I guess I neglected to save or publish it so here goes again.
I was reminded recently that when you are a chronic pain sufferer, there are basically two ways of approaching your own pain and the pain you observe in those around you. This is my own opinion based on personal observation so if you have other ideas on the subject I would love to hear them.
The first type of person is one who uses their own experience as sort of a barometer when those around them are in pain. Allowing for a level of empathy that likely doesn’t exist in someone who has never experienced chronic pain. This type of person rarely exhibits those pesky pain behaviors that make us crazy when we see them in others. Cringing, crying out, moaning, etc. All things that if you have passed through a multidisciplinary pain management program you know are unacceptable. They only add to your level of frustration and that of the people around you.
The second type of person is the one who lives at the level described above. Who is in pain and everyone in the world knows it. And the behaviors are exacerbated by the more people around. I observed a family member recently who was largely silent except when others were around and who at that point became very vocal, moaning, crying out with every minute movement. I brought it to their attention, maybe a bit indelicately, but it was distracting as shit!! The attention-seeking behavior in this type of person is so counter-productive. It forces the pain sufferer to focus on their plight and everyone around them to do the same.
There is no one way to cope with pain, chronic or otherwise. We each have our own mechanisms for coping, but one thing I have come to realize, and was recently reinforced to me, is that it is not productive to dwell on the negative aspects of our lives. Looking to the brighter side of life is a way of negating some of the ill effects of all that is negative in our lives. The more we talk about and dwell on those negative aspects, the easier it is to become depressed and miserable. Maintain a positive outlook and a sense of humor at all cost. It will carry you through the dark times and sustain you through the better times.
Focusing on the negative is a dangerous thing to do for a chronic pain sufferer. Depression, as everyone who has ever dealt with any of this knows, is a constant companion of anyone who suffers chronic pain. It is largely unavoidable in reality. And for those who dwell on the negative aspects in their lives, depression becomes even more intense. I have walked down that path myself, and antidepressants help to a point, but I believe that much of your attitude can be controlled from within.
Counseling is very important. Having someone who is not part of the inner circle to share these feelings with is very important. But so is having someone who can empathize with them. Family members who have never experienced chronic pain can sometimes not be the best resources. And how to best verbalize how you feel without resorting to the stereotypical pain behaviors is something a counselor or pain management program can provide.
I do think it is important to be honest about how you feel with spouses/life-partners. We often develop a pattern where we use my favorite term, “I’m Fine” in reply to the inevitable question: “how are you?”. And sometimes it is the only answer you can give without going to a place where you don’t want to be right then. But when it becomes a pat answer, one that truly says nothing about how you feel, then your partner begins to not only question your sincerity, but also to resent being left “out of the loop” when it comes to how you are feeling.
It can become a vicious cycle of denial for you and one of deepening resentment for your loved ones. Finding the balance that allows you to be real and at the same time keeps you from dwelling on the negative, and sharing your true physical and emotional state, that’s the real trick!
I guess the bottom line for me has become: Be real, don’t deny your pain. It is what it is. Embrace it, deal with it, and move on. Most of all be real. Don’t try to be superhuman. Trust me, you aren’t!! Neither am I. And there are days when you feel like getting out of bed is the herculean task for the day. So be it! The other point I wish to make is this: Don’t fail to recognize what’s going on in those around you. Being so self-absorbed can result in those closest to us feeling uncared for. They have their own issues, own pain and we have to be open to it. If you live in a world of self-pity, then you may very well miss the chance to be there for someone else.
