Filed under: Health
Weird title, huh?? Well sometimes I feel like that is what I am doing on a daily basis. Long division in my head, trying to keep what’s in there from coalescing into something unusable. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, right? Being subjected to the rigors of chronic pain is something that most don’t understand, unless they have been there themselves. A tooth ache, a back ache, a broken toe, all examples of pain. But when the insult is fixed the pain goes away. Imagine have this sensation today and every day for the rest of your life! Then add that to the rest of the stuff and you get a picture of what life is like.
But one point I wish to make very strongly. I would so much rather “feel” on a day to day basis, even if it is pain or discomfort than the alternative. I spent too many years denying any feelings to keep the bad ones at bay. Not a pretty place to be. For me or for those around me. The feelings of loneliness and isolation in me had to be compounded in those around me. When someone won’t let you in, the frustration can be overwhelming, very painful. Sharing is always preferable to not sharing.
Unfortunately, it took me 30 years to realize this point. And managing your life in chronic pain is a delicate balancing act. It can be a simple task one day when you are feeling well and the pain is minimal, and others, it is all you can do to get out of bed! The trick is to minimize the days when you really feel badly.
I have learned to use a variety of techniques to balance things out. Biofeedback, relaxation (which I use every day, some more successfully than others) rest (which can not be over emphasized) and exercise, which I do better with some days than others. Rest is one of those things, for the many of you who have been through a multidisciplinary pain management program will tell you, that is imperative to success in coping with pain. When you are exhausted, not sleeping for one reason or the other, and pushing yourself to do more than you know you should, it will catch up with you. I am the king of driving myself to finish what I start, and keep moving. I know there are days when I should stop and rest in the middle of the day but don’t because I am trying to get something off of my plate. It is dumb, it is foolish, but I do and you so do the rest of you. And yes, you know who you are!!
Pain control without narcotics was something I thought would be nearly impossible to deal with. I was both right and wrong. There are days, I have to admit, that it would be nice to be able to kill the pain, regardless!! But it is those same days that remind me of all of the wasted days when I did just that and was still in pain. Now that I am left to my own devices, I manage to get through with a dose of Advil or whatever, and nothing stronger. And I am ultimately thankful for that!! And without the support of my wife and son’s I would never have been able to make it to this point.
And I am not sure about others out there, but for me, when I thought I was managing my medication use, feeling like it was the only thing in my life that I had control over, I was deluding myself. I was not managing anything but to escalate the doses, shorten the time between them, and push myself toward an early grave! And even after I got to the point where I wanted to stop, the spectre of “withdrawal” was always lurking not far away. And as I have said before, it is a powerful deterrent to quitting. Even in the best of rehab programs, withdrawal is going to happen. It will be managed to a point, but it will come and take you places you don’t wish to go.
So what does the future hold?? My crystal ball is murky tonight. What I do know is that more than likely, I will have more surgery, knee, hip, back, etc. And with that comes the whole re-introduction of narcotics into my system. But now, I have been down the dark path enough times to know that I can’t do it again. I won’t do it again. I feel stronger, wiser, than I have ever felt in my life. I see things through new eyes! And I hope and trust that it will be enough.
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