A Journey Through Chronic Pain


Emotional Pain
July 11, 2008, 3:09 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I have neglected this blog for some time now mostly just taking a break and taking stock in a lot of things in my life. The physical pain is unchanged. But physical pain is only one part of this life we lead as humans. Emotional pain is a huge component and maybe more significant than any physical pain we feel. Much of it is unavoidable. Much of it is part of how we lead our lives. And those around us share in much of the pain we perceive, physical or emotional. And there are times when we are mired deep in the grip of some sort of pain, physical or emotional and no one sees it. When we keep our feelings close to our chest. Other times, it is out there on our sleeves, for the whole world to see. One way is no better or worse than the other, just different.  Different for me, different for those around me. And I know that from time to time, the emotional pain overwhelms any physical pain imaginable .
Anyone who has known this kind of psychic pain knows that it is the worst. And no amount of any drug can ease it.  It cuts to the core, pulls us into the depths of depression!! And climbing out can be a very slippery slope indeed.  Physical pain can be tempered with drugs, even OTC drugs. Psychic pain does not respond to Advil or Tylenol.  Never has, never will.

As a chronic pain sufferer, I often wonder if something like 100% of those in the same boat suffer with emotional pain and distress. It seems quite universal, yet some times you meet someone who seems so unaffected by the ravages of pain. Someone who embraces it with such grace and grit that it hardly seems an annoyance.  How can that be? How can one person wade through the dregs of depression and the one next to them be floating, flying??  The proverbial $64, 000 question.
Some days I believe that it is all for show in those who eternally have a happy face. That it is what they want people to see, not what is really on the inside. That giving in to the pain, allowing themselves to feel the lows of depression just might be too much to bear.

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Pain Takes a Holiday
June 22, 2008, 6:26 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I don’t know how many blogs I have read with posts about chronic pain. Many. But there is this common thought in many that the experience of feeling pain can and is tempered by the situation in which we find ourselves.  If we are in a good place, happy, content, then somehow the level of pain can be diminished somewhat. If we are in a place where our lives are driven by stress, then our experience is much more intense.  I know this is very much a generalization. But I have found that for me anyhow, it is true.  Friends, family, loved ones all help keep us on an even keel. But one thing is also apparent. That there are times when nothing helps, nothing tempers the level of pain and no amount of peace or solitude or contentment will reduce the level of pain. Pure and simple.

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The Potential for Abuse
June 4, 2008, 6:09 am
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I read this somewhere the other day and had to comment. What a ubiquitous statement this is.  Every day, millions of Americans (not to say that other cultures don’t share our problem) are written prescriptions for narcotics from everything from tooth aches to cancer pain.  And every prescription comes with the above warning, that this substance has the potential for abuse.  But how many people do you think realize the true significance of this warning? If you are doled-out a few pills to get you through an acute injury, it is likely pretty small. If this condition turns into something more, becomes chronic, then that is truly a different story.
The human condition is that we seek anything we can find to alleviate pain. Pain is an unnatural state in our bodies. It is our body’s way of telling us that something is amiss. That something is broken, stressed, damaged in some way. And the normal response is for us to look for some way to fix whatever is causing the pain. But what if there is no way to fix it? What if something simple becomes something complex and there is nothing to be done but control the pain? Then what?? Do we give in to the promise that narcotics are our friend? That their use will help us to cope with whatever is bothering us? Do we give in to the potential for escalating doses? As time passes, more is needed to achieve the same result?  And when do we say “when”?? After we have overdosed the first time? The second?

There is a story that was related to me by a physician in MO who was sent to a small town in rural Missouri to provide health care in the absence of the regular physician.  He took up residence in this small town and began seeing patients for a variety of ailments, some acute, but most of them chronic. And the procession of patients through his office had an eerily similar theme. Narcotics. Not just any narcotics but Oxycontin, Duragesic, big gun narcotics and for conditions that in many ways did not warrant the use of such powerful drugs.  He began to question the patients and the prescriptions. His hesitance was greeted with anger, even threats if he didn’t continue to prescribe these drugs.  In the end, he was able to reduce the load of narcotics flowing from his office by a huge percentage. His patients were safer, healthier, and managed their pain with methods that didn’t include powerful narcotics when lesser means were an option.

Narcotics have their place in the treatment of chronic pain. Just not as a first line of defense.  I have been there, been on them to the tenth-power. Have nearly died because of them. And finally had the good sense, the insight, the fear of a life devoid of emotion, to finally quit them for good. And the potential is there to get back to a place where they become a part of my life, at least on a temporary basis. The difference now is that I hate the feeling of being out of control of my mind and body. Of being snowed and dull and without emotion.  Pain is real. Pain is part of being human. And it does take it’s toll on our bodies as well. But at least I can make the choice, that’s more than I can say for some of the people I have encountered.  The use of narcotics has so taken over their lives that using them is no longer a choice but a necessity. The pervasive drive in their lives is to make sure they don’t run out!! The next prescription, the next refill, the next doctor who will enable their behavior.  And I hate sanctimonious people. Reformed addicts and alcoholics can be very much that way. So If I seem harsh or judgmental, it is not my intention. It is simple concern for my fellow man that drive me to write this. To offer a perspective, to offer my own story, one that is fraught with mistakes, some of which could have cost me my life.  And to offer, you the reader, the opportunity to look at your options and know that there is life after narcotics. There is life with pain, but it is life that looks so much brighter, so much more hopeful than anything you can imagine while in the grip of drugs.

And believe me, there are days when I could crawl back into a bottle of pills. When I could give in to the pain once again. But it is but for the grace of god and sheer force of will that keeps me safe from this path. And it is love and hope and the promise of a life fulfilled that keeps me safe, today, tomorrow, and hopefully for a very long time.

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Getting Real!
June 4, 2008, 1:39 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I keep coming back to this whole idea of sharing how I feel with those around me. I have started to make a mental note whenever someone tells me how they are feeling. And this note is intended to register whether or not I feel like I am getting an honest answer!! Guess what?? Not very often do I truly feel like there is a genuine attempt to be “real” about pain.
We all try and ” protect” those we love from our pain. We try and keep how bad we are really feeling bottled-up inside us in a futile attempt to put on a good face. To appear as though nothing is wrong and in many ways, I guess appear to be superhuman! But we aren’t fooling anyone. You can see when someone is hurting, see it in their eyes, hear it in their voice, in the often weary tone that accompanies a day of feeling miserable.

But who are we really fooling? Who are we protecting when we keep things to ourselves?? Is it our own sensibilities that need adjusting? Do we need to in the words of my generation, “let it all hang out”? I don’t know that I can answer that. Dealing with and sharing how we feel is in intensely personal thing. And when you open yourself up completely, whether it is about your pain or something else, then you are vulnerable, open to the world of criticism, advise, fixers, etc who descend upon us when we hurt.

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When Pain Takes Over Your Life
May 28, 2008, 5:54 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I was thinking recently that for people who deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, there comes a time when pain can completely take over your life. When nothing you do, no drug imaginable, can relieve the discomfort. And how do you cope with that? How do you reconcile being in so much pain that nothing else really matters??

It is hard for someone who has never been down this road to imagine what it’s like to be overwhelmed by pain. Feeling like there is nothing that will relieve it, nothing on earth to make it better, even for 5 minutes! And if you were to describe this pain the only way I can think of to adequately do is is with a primal scream!! I read someone’s blog recently where they were talking about pain assessment.  And I am aware that it is an integral part of the exam to assess the level of pain using the traditional scale and then descriptors.  But sometimes it is hard to quantify pain. Particularly when it comes from multiple sites at once.   I have had

days where I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it to the next day or not.  The level of discomfort was so great that I wasn’t sure which way was up.  But I have a secret weapon. I have a way of dealing with severe pain that is going to shock you. Maybe even appall you!! That weapon is laughter. Find someone who is funny as hell, read something hilarious, allow yourself to laugh at a goofy movie.  I guarantee that if you are laughing, I mean really laughing, you will find it hard to obsess about your pain, no matter how bad it is.

So now you are saying that this approach doesn’t work for you. Ok, well, then what’s next? Guided imagery, relaxation techniques, biofeedback. All healthy adversaries in the war on pain. Anyone who has ever ventured into a Multidisciplinary Pain Management program  knows that all of these are a part of the curriculum.  And on a given day they help, maybe not totally alleviate the pain, but help.

But on those days when you are circling the bowl, when nothing helps. When life feels like it is not worth living, then there is but one other choice. Chemistry!  Better living through chemistry, right? Or pharmaceuticals, right?? Even though I am and have been drug free for a while, there are still days when narcotics are the only way to find a place of comfort. There are days when if I had them in the house I would so take just one or two in order to sleep, in order to function.  But I don’t want to start! And I don’t want to sound sanctimonious either.  Just a statement of how I feel.

I would very much love to hear from you, dear readers, about what you do to cope, day to day, and when things really get out of control. Where do you go, what do you do?  Look forward to hearing from you!!!

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Life under the microscope.
May 25, 2008, 7:04 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Some days I feel like an amoeba. Squirming in a petri dish, waiting for some nerd scientist to slice me open and see what makes me tick. Well, that would be a nice trick given the size of an amoeba, but you get my point! Or maybe a paramecium. I did a science project in middle school on paramecium. Harvested a bunch from a local pond and studied them under a microscope. Interesting creatures, they are. One-celled, but complex. Anyhow, I digressed a bit!

I have been down a path where supposed healers have poked and prodded me in an attempt to “fix” me. And the more they poke, and the more they prod, the worse I feel. The more holes they punch in me, the more cuts they make, the worse things get. And all I can do is squirm and wriggle and say “no more”. And I have. And I do. And I will continue to do this. Because age has taught me something. That is that much of what is wrong with our bodies is our own doing. Nutrition, obesity, lack of exercise, smoking, alcohol, drugs. All wonderful things that help our bodies along to it’s ultimate demise. And no matter how many doctors, hospitals, therapists we see, the cure is right there within us. The cure is often times in our own head. Being able to overcome what drives the behaviors that are slowing doing us in. And human nature is a funny thing. At some point, many of us give in to the fact that we are doing bad things to our bodies. We freely admit it! Hell, I have!!! I know the things that can make my life better, more productive. Exercise, weight loss, lifestyle changes. Simple stuff. But knowing and being able to get over the psychological hurdles is another thing. I was reading about a school in NC, one of several that were designed to help teenagers with morbid obesity. It is an on-site, intensive weight loss program, complete with lifestyle changes. The cost per student, and the school in NC is limited to 50 students, is $6250. That’s per month!! More than it costs to go to school at Harvard!! And the success is phenomenal. But so are the failures. One young man who is now in college, went into the program in 2006 at 485 lbs. He lost 197 lbs while on campus and another 30 when he got home. He then proceeded to balloon his weight to 565 lbs, which is where he is today. And he is facing Lap-Band surgery to try and help his problem. But the surgery, without the necessary dietary changes is a prescription for disaster. And this young man’s father took $40, 000 in loans for him to go to school for 8 months. He has now lost his job and has no idea how he is going to repay the money. And in the article it talks about how this young man’s weight problem was a huge source of conflict between he and his father. Which I am sure went a long way toward making it more difficult for this young man.

But whether it is weight loss or any other lifestyle issue, the important thing is that we never lose sight of the person inside. Never judge harshly until we have walked a mile in their shoes. It’s easy to throw rocks when you are the only one with rocks. But when they are being hurled back at you, it’s not nearly so much fun!

When I am feeling like the writhing amoeba, like another science experiment gone wrong, I only have to realize that what happens to me is my choice. And in the words from the third installment of “Indiana Jones”,
“Choose wisely”. Something that we all should consider.

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What to do when things go wrong
May 20, 2008, 5:12 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

I was contemplating yesterday, which by the way was an awful day, when to give in and see the doc. I am one of these people who goes to see my physician as infrequently as possible. I have found that it is healthier that way. If you stay away, they can’t come up with more hokey shit to do to you that will largely not help anyhow!

But last summer I had to. I had to see my orthopod. I was having incredible pain in my low back and legs with significant neurological symptoms in my legs. In fact, my left leg, which is the only one which bends, was so weak that I found it very difficult to negotiate stairs or even step up on more than a short curb. After a couple of MRI’s I was told that I my back from L1-L5 was largely fucked! Herniated disks, stenosis, bone spurs, the whole enchilada!! Along with that was major nerve impingement. A course of conservative treatment went largely without improvement so the answer was surgery. So I went for a second opinion. And the answer was largely the same. So I decided that i was not going to give in to that. Since I was acutely aware that back surgery is a 50-50 proposition at best. And so I went home with a new resolve to make it better, to make me better! I started lifting weights, again, after a fairly long hiatus. I strengthened my core so as to support my back more efficiently. And gradually, over a period of weeks and months, I did improve. I did find that the symptoms abated, not totally, but significantly. Maybe through sheer force of will. Maybe because I realized that there was something more important in my life than pain and more surgery and more down time. That living had become a priority again to me, not just existing. And I managed to sustain for a long time. Months! And then the past few days the symptoms began to creep back in. Pain I can deal with, but the numbness and radiating in my legs and even my feet is tough. Yesterday was excruciating. It took me until mid-afternoon to feel “functional” even though I kept moving all day. It took that long for me to feel at all comfortable, enough to be able to sit and even lie down for a bit. And today it was some better. But not enough.
SOOOOO, I beg the question: When is enough, enough? When is it time to call the doc and say, “Help!!”? I am not sure I am there yet, but almost. We all have our “governor” for how much pain we can tolerate and which symptoms raise a red flag. I know the drill all too well. I know the drill for different body systems, which is even more disturbing. When do you go to the E.R. with a bowel obstruction? When do you do the same when dealing with addiction and withdrawal? And when do you say “enough” when it comes to whatever the issue is?? It is different for each of us. I guess for me, the threat of more surgery is a huge deterrent. I find that the idea of going through more surgery and rehab and the whole thing so distasteful, that I will avoid it at all cost. But even I have my limits. Even I know, when to say when. And so should you. And tomorrow might be that day. But………………………………………………………………….I know I can get through this. I know that once again I can beat the odds and keep my body whole and avoid the knife once again. I have to. I have much too much to live for!

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Protecting your body!
May 19, 2008, 9:42 pm
Filed under: Health

For those of us who muddle through with pain, protecting our bodies is a very real issue. Knowing your limitations, knowing when to say when is something that I would wager most of you don’t know how to do all that well. Let me explain.

I have been dealing with chronic pain for a very long time. Choosing my battles is something that I still struggle with. On a day-to-day basis, how do you choose what you will do and what you won’t do. I have touched on this before but not from the same perspective. How do you protect your body from harm and satisfy your head at the same time? How do you do the things you love to do and keep yourself from activities that do more harm than good?

Psychology. Pure and simple. We are rational beings. We make choices on everything we do in a given day, more or less anyhow. And in making those choices, we do most things for our own benefit. We don’t make dangerous, risky decision with regard to our bodies nor our minds. But when chronic pain is an issue, those decisions become more complex. You are now faced with challenges that not only give us a way to get things done in our lives, but to also make sure that our bodies are cared for so as to not increase our level of pain significantly.

Take for example daily living activities. These exist outside of our parameters for work and pleasure. They exist because they are things that we HAVE to do on a daily basis. Not things that we WANT to do necessarily, but because they are a must. So negotiating a deal with ourselves as to whether or not to do them is, well, non-negotiable.

But it is the fun stuff that seems to slip through the cracks when you are in pain. I used to give up many things to accommodate my level of pain. Gave up going to movies, theater, travel, shopping, etc. But then one day I realized that I was a recluse. That pain was controlling my life, not the other way around. And it was at that point that I decided that I would no longer give in the my pain. That I would take charge of it and live the fullest life possible, regardless of how much I hurt! And that was a real revelation.  I found that I actually did and could do much more than I had ever thought! That being active at all cost is the way to go, keeping my body in some semblance of good condition.  And the more I did the better I felt, up to a point anyhow. My problem was that I was not very good at choosing my battles. I would do EVERYTHING and then live with the fallout! And in more recent times, I have found that I do the things that are really important, then see what’s left over. If I have more energy, more drive, then I  look to doing more extracurricular activities.

And I also realized that I could be active, could have fun, and still protect my body, more or less.  There is no way to totally anticipate how much pain a given day will bring, but it is possible to give it all a go and feel human. And I figure that my body is going to be where it’s going to be and I will have to deal with it.
So the bottom line is: Enjoy life. Do things you love while you can. Have fun, travel, pursue whatever you are passionate about and tomorrow will take care of itself.  And your pain will likely still be there, but you will be in a better place for having lived!!

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How we perceive pain
May 17, 2008, 5:32 am
Filed under: Family, Health

There is much scientific data on how the body processes pain impulses. I am not here for a discussion of the Anatomy and Physiology of pain. If you deal with chronic pain, you have more than likely had the lecture on how it all works. Gate theory, etc.

What I am referring to is HOW we perceive pain. How we take what the body is telling us and translate that into what we know as pain, based on many factors. These include cultural, familial, personal, psychological, and visceral interpretations of pain. We learn early on that how to deal with pain. Watch a small child skin his knee, take a tumble, and you hear the blood-curdling sound only a child can make. How a parent deals with these early injuries shapes the child’s image of pain and how he deals with it. Most parents coddle a child who has been injured, who wouldn’t? It is about caring and nurturing. Making him feel safe and calming his fears as only a parent can do. But what if we overreact? What if we become hysterical? What kind of image does that send to the child? And next time he is hurt, does our reaction shape how he deals with pain?

In some families, pain as treated as a badge of courage. “Keep a stiff upper lip”. Ever hear that growing up?? Don’t cry, big boys/girls don’t cry! Oh, don’t be such a baby! What kind of message are we sending to our children when we use these terms?? How are we shaping their future ability to deal with and verbalize pain? Much of how we learn to perceive pain comes from watching the behaviors of those around us as we are growing up. I mentioned before that my father was an extreme stoic. Well, funny thing, how do you think I learned to deal with and express my perception of pain? These learned behaviors go way beyond the scope of just pain perception. Think about how we deal with relationships, conflict, stress, most anything in life. And our parents are the first one’s to shape these behaviors.

I have spent much time in hospitals in my life, both as a patient and as a health care provider. Much of this was spent in the E.R. Watching the response of people to various injuries is something that I didn’t really pay much attention to. But slowly, I noticed that the perception of pain was not always proportional to the extent of the injury, so there had to be one or more of the factors mentioned above at work. I would see people with relatively minor injuries coming unglued! Other times, people who should be, were not. And this is taking into account things like shock.

One thing that anyone who has been admitted through or a patient in a hospital E.R. knows is this: The squeaky wheel gets the most grease! If you are in pain and suffer in silence, it will be 5 hours before anyone looks at you. If you are hooting and hollering and letting everyone who is within earshot know about it, bingo, you get attention. Case in point: One night several years ago, after spending a number of hours at home vomiting, doubled-over with abdominal pain, I decided it was time to visit the E.R. It was in the early hours of a new day. I was pretty sure that I had a bowel obstruction. There was a N.Y. blizzard going on outside. From where we lived it was about 13 miles to the hospital. It took well over an hour to get there based on conditions. When we arrived, the place was a zoo. I walked into the intake area and began to fill out paperwork and talk to the triage nurse, explaining why I was there. She explained that it was a very busy night and that it might be a while before anyone could see me. About this time, a wave of nausea came over me, so I grabbed the closest trash can and proceeded to puke my toes up!! Funny thing, they took me right in. And I did, have a bowel obstruction, that is.

I noticed in one of the comments tonight a list of “pat responses” to the proverbial question: “how do you feel?” I have used any an all of those at one time or the other in my history, most many times. But I started thinking about why we choose a particular response on a given day, even though we may feel no better or worse than we did yesterday, or for that matter for the past month! Is it in the perception of pain or in the processing of it that we come up with our response? Or is it purely psychological? Is our response tempered by our ability to cope on any given day? Do we feel “fine” today because we don’t want to admit that we are dying but can’t talk about it at that moment? Or do we say we “feel like crap” because mentally it is healthier at that point in time than denying that we hurt?

I personally think it is a combination of factors. Again, there is no scientific basis for my opinion, at least none that I have researched. It is purely my opinion, based on my own experience. But I do know that chronic pain patients may have relatively stable levels of pain on a day to day basis, but their response varies greatly with what else is happening in their life. Stress plays a big part in pain perception. When you are emotionally or physically stressed, the level of pain perceived is greater. I know this from experience. When you are happy and content, even though physically nothing is different, you just feel better. Think about how you feel during and immediately after sex if you don’t believe me. How many of you can say that you have significant degrees of pain during sex? Not that pain can’t cause issues with sexual performance, it certainly can. But all things being equal, sex is a great equalizer when it come to pain control.

So, many questions, few answers. I would very much like for any and all of you to put in your opinion on what I have written. I know that there are those of you who have pondered this and written about it. Thanks in advance.

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Perspective—-Revisited!
May 15, 2008, 6:22 am
Filed under: Health

It seems as though I have touched a nerve with the previous post, therefore I plan to go on a bit:

First of all, thank you “Surfer Jay” for your comments. You brought up a couple of points that I neglected to touch upon. You are so right when you say that being honest is the key to any relationship. And being honest about our physical state is something that we as humans, and I think as Americans, find very hard to do. And I will go out on a limb here and say that it is more of a male issue than otherwise. We are supposed to be the strong ones, the providers, the protectors, the ones who are without fail. Our fathers and their fathers and so on were all of that and more. It was a generational issue that the man was the one who worked whether he was sick or hurt to provide for his family. And he didn’t complain, never admitted that he was less than 100%! There is a term for that, one I don’t hear so much anymore, but if you look in the dictionary and find the word “stoic” you will see a picture of my father.

Merriam Webster offers this:

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Main Entry:
1sto·ic Listen to the pronunciation of 1stoic
Pronunciation:
\ˈstō-ik\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English, from Latin stoicus, from Greek stōïkos, literally, of the portico, from Stoa (Poikilē) the Painted Portico, portico at Athens where Zeno taught
Date:
14th century
1capitalized : a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c. holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law2: one apparently or professedly indifferent to pleasure or pain
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That is a pretty heavy definition. And it is how everyone who knew my father described him. I am sure I learned by his example that I was to suffer in silence. To be strong and not give in to pain or anguish. I lived like that for many years and for sure never shared that part of me. Was never honest about how bad I felt.
And this is by no means the province of the male species. My mother to a greater extent was very much the same way. Was bred of good German stock and schooled in the mindset that you do what you have to do, every day and don’t complain, don’t whimper when you are hurt. I know other women as well who find it hard to say how they feel. And in their defense, and defense of all the men out there who have the same affliction, as a chronic pain sufferer there are times when you don’t want to answer the question; “how do you feel? or how is you (blank)?” It may be the 20th time that day that someone has asked you the same question and you are just tired of hearing your own voice. Tired of feeling like all you do is dwell on how awful you hurt. When in reality, by saying the words, ” I feel like crap” you might actually feel better! Admitting how you feel can go a long way to liberating your spirit. It doesn’t help the fact that you hurt like hell, but it does allow another person “in” . In to your world of pain. Think about all of the people out there who have never had to live with chronic pain. Then think about the fact that if we never shared how we feel, they would never develop any perspective on what it is like to deal with chronic pain.
The bigger question here is not how I relate to the rest of the world. It is how do I relate to those closest to me? How do I let those who love and care for me into my world without turning into someone so utterly miserable and self-absorbed? It all goes back to honesty. And not just with those around you, but with your self. Allowing yourself to feel pain, to embrace it, to wrestle with it, is a skill that is necessary to survival.
I have been traveling this path for nearly 30 years now. I have become somewhat of an expert on denial. An expert on how not to manage chronic narcotics. An expert on how to shut those who love me out of this part of my life. But I have also become somewhat of an expert on coping. And just because you are walking around with a snoot full of narcotics, are you able to cope any better than the guy who is totally sober. The drugs just mute some of the responses.
I have learned that you can do several things with pain. You can hold onto it and let it consume you. Not an option, not for me. You can put it “over there” and try and compartmentalize it, put it in a part of your life where it is easier to deal with. Or you can grasp it head on, allow yourself to feel, allow yourself to channel those feelings into something bigger, something where you can find a positive aspect to chronic pain. And for me it is right here in front of you.
This blog has served as an outlet for me to share my story and my experience in this world of chronic pain. And I hope that in some small way it has touched the lives of others.
We all choose whether or not to get out of bed in the morning. It is the next step that takes us to a world where we can function and feel and share all that we are with those we love and who love us in return. I do every day what I do not so much for me, but for the ones I love and cherish.
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I want to make it clear that I was not advocating that men in any way, shape or form should feel compelled to take the old hard line, stoic attitude when it comes to sharing pain. From one of the comments last night, it appears that there is still somewhat of a stereotype with regard to this. And I am also not advocating that men or women shirk their responsibilities as parents, partners, or breadwinners. But society is not dominated by the tenant that men must be the support for the family. It has to be a team effort, whether he brings home the bacon or his partner.
When we made the choice many years ago for me to be a full-time, stay-at-home parent, it was based on several factors. First and foremost was probably the fact that my body would not hold-up to the rigors of day to day clinical practice. The other thing that was huge was dealing with the fact that our son was in daycare 12 hours a day. And the cost both in time and money was significant, but more than that, someone else was raising him. And I did everything I could to shorten his time there. Even if I was orienting an employee on the night shift, I would keep him at home with me when I was off work rather than taking him to daycare so I could sleep.
The other factor that came into play was that although at the time I quit working, my salary was greater than my wife’s, that was about to change in a huge way.  Her career was blossoming and growing and in short order her earning capacity surpassed mine exponentially.
It’s funny, when we made the choice for me to stay home, reactions from friends and family were mixed. This was about 1985. People didn’t quite know what to think.At parties and social functions the one question that always is asked is; “What do you do for a living”? Well when I told people, most women thought it was amazing. But men had a different reaction. Some were fine with it, even encouraging, but other were like WTF??  They would say things like, “oh that’s nice” or “wow, I could never do that”.
But in short order I realized that what I was doing was profound I was providing not only a way for my wife to advance her career and have to worry about the domestic stuff, but I was providing a stable environment for the boys to function in. No daycare, no after school programs.  I was there after school, summers, was able to transport them to after school activities, sports, whatever.  And not just transport them and drop them off, but to actually observe what they were involved in. Seeing the practice sessions, volunteering when I could, all things that parents have done for generations, until the advent of the dual income. Then kids were put on autopilot. They were shuttled from point A to B and retrieved when their activity was done. They went to aftercare programs, summers were spent in daycare.
I guess I was fortunate that we could allow me to serve in this role. And yes, at time I felt pangs of guilt for not contributing financially, but in many ways I now know that what I did can not be measured in dollars and cents.  And I certainly would not give up those years of child rearing for anything in the world!!
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